gwup | die skeptiker

… denken kritisch seit 1987.

Mars attacks! Na und?

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Auch das noch: Nach der allgemeinen SETI-Euphorie der letzten Wochen heute nun dieses in der Welt:

„Forscher warnen vor Kontaktversuchen mit Aliens.“

Klar, die Jungs haben alle Kampf der Welten oder Independence Day gesehen:

Auch wenn eine solche Botschaft gut gemeint ist, kritisieren einige Forscher die zahlreichen im Kosmos herumschwirrenden Nachrichten als Weltraum-Spam. Andere sprechen es den selbsternannten Botschaftern ab, für alle Erdenbewohner zu sprechen. Wieder andere warnen, mit verwirrenden Botschaften könnten möglicherweise feindlich gesinnte Zivilisationen erst auf uns aufmerksam werden.“

Kann schon sein – aber wozu gibt’s Ratgeber-Literatur für jede Lebenslage?

In dem Büchlein „How to Survive a Horror Movie“ findet sich ein ganzes Kapitel zum Thema: How To Survive a Global Alien Attack.

Die Tipps:

1. Don’t be a sucker.

It’s a movie rule that dates back to the Truman era: When aliens come to Earth on masse, they do not come in peace. Ever. No matter what olive branch they offer in one purple hand, they’re concealing a ray gun in the other. One alien? No problem. You’ve got yourself the makings of a fine coming-of-age-movie. More than one alien? It’s a full-scale attack. Guaranteed.

There are only three reasons aliens come in groups:

  • To eat us. Apparently, humans are quite the scrumptious delicacy (Though you have to wonder, what do they eat back home?)
  • To enslave us and steal our resources. Their planet’s almost out of crude oil, so they’re here to take ours. (Ha, ha! Joke’s on them!)
  • To destroy us for no reason. That is, other than the fact, that they’re total dicks. Dicks who (after eons of evolution, philosophical discussion, and scientific advancement) have decided that the meaning of it all is to kill.

Never trust an alien! Not even if they give you the cure for cancer wrapped in the end of world hunger. Don’t you realize they’re just making sure we’re plump and tumor-free?

2. Stay away from the ship.

Let those flute-playing hippies to be the first to feel the aliens‘ wrath. „Oh, look! They’re flashing some lights! Aren’t they pretty! I Wonder what’s gonna happen next“?
Allow me to ruin the surprise: You’re going to be blasted with a Xoraxian Krellbor that turns your bones into lava.

3. Loot

You might think that looting is wrong, but when the ships begin firing, you can drive over to the local megastore and wait patientely for one of the cashiers to show up for work. And when you finally grow a brain and realize that civilization is closed until further notice, throw a shopping cart throught the window and start grabbing supplies:

  • Food. Dry, canned, and powdered only. As much as you can carry.
  • A pistol. And plenty of ammo. Not for fighting aliens – for protecting yourself from humans who decide they want some of your supplies.
  • Camping equipment. Tents, sleeping bags, flashlights, waterproof matches, hand-cranked radios, binoculars, knives, propane tanks, blankets, batteries, and rope.
  • First aid supplies. Bandages, hydrogen peroxide, and pain relievers are priorities.
  • Large-capacity squirt guns.

4. Retreat to a Remote Location

Even the biggest alien invasions are limited to urban areas, at least during the first phase. If they’re here to eat us, that’s where the most people are. If they’re here to enslave us, that’s where our heads of state are. And if they’re just dicks, that’s where tehy can do the most damage in the shortest amount of time.
You have no business being anywhere near a metropolitan area. If you’re in an tiny, long-forgotten town that you’ve been dreaming of leaving your whole life, stay here. If you’re a city dweller woh drives into the surrounding countryside and makes snarky remarks like „Can you believe people live out there?“, go live out there.

Good Remote Locations:

Woods (spring and summer). Leafy treetops provide excellent cover, and abundant wildlife provides food when the cannes stuff runs out.
Caves (fall and winters). There’s a reason we lived in them for thousands of years. They’re easy to heat, the protect you from the elements, and they keep you well hidden. The deeper the cave, the better.

Bad Remote Locations:

Cornfields. These are probably being used as terrain markers or staging areas for the invaders. Besides, a cornfield is one of the last places you want to be in a horror movie, remember „Children of the Corn“.
Prairies. Wide open spaces have no hiding places.

5. Stay close to water

If you have a boat, now would be the time to get something more practical than a superiority complex out of it. Aliens tend to ignore the 70 percent of our planet covered in water. Drive a few miles offshore and wait this whole mess out if you have the opinion. If you have access to a submarine, even better.

If the closest you can get to water is the puddle that forms on the roof of your tent, fear not. Remember those large-capacity squirt guns you looted? Fill them up and keep them close at ll times. If you run into a spaceman, you stand a better chance of killing it with a good soaking than a hail of bullets.
Alien invasion movies are basically metaphors for man’s overreliance on technology, so it’s almost always something primitive that brings the aliens to their knees.
Earthly bacteria, bee stings, or water.

Die britische Fachzeitschrift Nature schrieb 2006: „Es kann nicht unbedingt davon ausgegangen werden, dass alle außerirdischen Zivilisationen gutartig sind – und sogar der Kontakt mit einer gutartigen könnte ernste Auswirkungen auf die Menschen hier auf der Erde haben.“

Na ja – halb so wild.

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